There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
You Might Also Like
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
guilty
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.