There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
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[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
No, I don’t think I will.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.