There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
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Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
this is me
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
PARKOUR
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”