there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
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*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home