There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
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Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath