There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
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that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
lol
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite