there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
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My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason