There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
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I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.