There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
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Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
lmao
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
“i miss shittin on people”
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.