There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
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I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
LOOOOOOL
Erm I’m gonna say no
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.