There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
You Might Also Like
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Beware of the dog..
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me: