There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
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pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
nyc:
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.