There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
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Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months