There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
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Deer are just ballerina dogs
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back