There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
You Might Also Like
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
@ candidates for local office
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*