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Someone came up to me today, holding a beer, and claimed to be the best ventriloquist in the world. But I think it was the drink talking.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
I want a president who promises no jobs. I don’t want to have a job
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
“So basically, they’ll either be able to go back 10 seconds by tapping this one, or about an hour and a half by pressing this one and leaving it for over 0.3 of a second”
“Anything in between?”
“Nope”
[Standing ovation]
“Rewind” department meeting at streaming service HQ.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Hey i am sexy to you now
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
That time a cat set off an atomic bomb in my coffee
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Does beer think about me too?
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..