Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.

The dogs are drawn by their screams.

To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!

Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest

Sir, you’re going to have to leave.

Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill

I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.

[on Wheel of Fortune]

Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__

Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!

Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.

Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD

Buzzer: *beeps*

Studio audience: *groans*

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑

In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.

me: get out of your own head live in the now

also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings

I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.

I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.

Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.

Word of the Day: No

Please use it in a sentence: No.

The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.

*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*

me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”

me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS

[America’s Got Talent]

Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?

Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time

girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”

Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.

If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.

I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.

*puts on new Fitbit*

*steps on scales*

Welp, this is bullshit!

PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band

ME: Ok

[later at gym]

ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*

Father’s Day Fun:

1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.

Me: hi 🙂

Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???

*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????

Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.

*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!

Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.

me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream

*first date*

Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉

Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*