There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
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*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
*checks Timeline*…
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary