There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
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you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
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