There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
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If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
meanwhile over on facebook
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
The Sun
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
<- sleeps well with others