There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
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I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.