There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
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[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.