There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
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LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
ugh not again
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole