There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
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I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
I can’t deal with men any longer
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.