There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
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I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
But wait…
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up