There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
You Might Also Like
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
(by @ZachWeiner )
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes