There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
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woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Hit me in the face with a bird
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life