There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
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To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Always the camel, never the toe.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.