There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
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[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Legend 🤣🤣
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.