There are usually two types of merchants.
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lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
went fishing caught a bass
Bless you
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something