There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
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I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
The struggle is real.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’