“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
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ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices