“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
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I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Left at a local drug store…
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Weirdly Wednesday.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.