There…fixed it 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
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Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
The best shot in the history of golf
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
Avoid the horror of watching your children鈥檚 nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you鈥檙e entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Jesus Christ, google you鈥檙e gonna get him killed
Show her you鈥檙e into her by running your toes through her hair
Mike Tyson鈥檚 apartment building
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am