There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
You Might Also Like
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
my friends when i can’t do basic math
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.