@A_Bike_Guy

There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.

Now there is piss all over the floor.

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@squirrel74wkgn

*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*

“Where you going?”

@SheOverAnalyzes

M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.

He’s dead now

@david8hughes

[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming

@10InchesPlus

On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.

@UncleDuke1969

“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”

@DickKingSmith

Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.

@Smooheed

I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue

@online_shawn

If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager

@MamaHuntsBest

IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.

Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.