There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
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Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.