There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
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in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
I’m awake but I object,
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Happens to everyone.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.