There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
You Might Also Like
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
The fall of Netflix
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!