@IamEnidColeslaw

There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above

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@warmyellowlight

some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]

@mdowd

If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2

@TheAdly

You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.

@hamspamtymaam

Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.

@ArfMeasures

[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules here

ME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.

@beefman138

My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.

@Awilhemscream

You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.