There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
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Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.