There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
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people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
greetings!
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
want me to check your oil?
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”