There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
You Might Also Like
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere