There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
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I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Is….Is this an option?
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?