There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
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INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
#gardening
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh