There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
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texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.