There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
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Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
I have obtained a hat
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
lot going on here, legally speaking.