There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
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Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.