There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
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So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
dictator is short for richard potato
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
even bears disappoint their mothers
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.