There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
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Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Are these grass-fed oranges?
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.