There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
You Might Also Like
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.